Hey, kids! Plays!

Look! My friend Matt's directing a play! It's going to be at Dad's Garage and you should all go and see it.

Bread and couches

Here’s one thing that’s great about shopping for a couch as a single male: salespeople assume you’re waiting for your wife, so they leave you alone. Nice. First off, great big giant Rooms To Go outlet. Look around for a bit, then spot something I like. Big, comfy looking couch. I’m looking for maximum nap support. I sit in it, stretch out a bit. This is definitely in the lead. There’s also a bed shaped like a pirate ship that I swear to God I would have bought five years ago. Stupid maturity.

BUT—only a fool buys the first thing he sees. So, I’m off to the next place in the Jimmy Carter Blvd corridor of cheap-ass furniture. The store: Underpriced Furniture. I can’t fault the name. They’re also giving away hot dogs and cokes. Mmmm. After wandering around a bit, I find myself in the kids’ section, where there is a GIANT GODDAMN DINOSAUR. It’s also 3000 bucks, so there it stays. I look around, but nothing compares to my first love back at Rooms To Go.

Nothing until I go back to the warehouse, that is, where I find a skee-ball machine. So very tempting. I will find a way to make that work someday. On the way out, I see a guy wearing a somewhat familiar-looking t-shirt. In the early 90’s, Taco Bell had a promotion where if you ate enough tacos you could trade in your punchcard for a Bullwinkle t-shirt. I got one, of course, because I was a fatass and I liked Bullwinkle.

The guy in the parking lot was wearing that shirt. I couldn’t believe it. It was in pretty good shape, too, for being at least 15 years old. My hat’s off to you, sir.

I think I’m on my back to the Sharkfinhatcave, but then I pass an art store. My favorite painting is Edward Hopper’s The Nighthawks, and I’ve been meaning to get a framed print of it for a while. I pull into the art store and the first thing I notice is a painting of Heath Ledger’s Joker. Okay. I go inside, and there’s no one there. No customers, no one working, nothing. I walk around the showroom for a minute, than back into the warehouse. Quiet as a tomb. I’m in there for nearly 10 minutes and I never see a soul. At this point, I figure I’ve stumbled across a crime scene and I hightail it out of there.

Back down 85 to my part of town. I’m stopped at a red light when I see the filthiest bumper stick of my life on the car next to me. “Fee Fie Fo Fum, I eat pussy with my magic tongue!” First off, anybody who’s willing to put that on their car gets my respect. Second of all, if you’re going to advertise, I hope you’re really, really good at it.

Back home to regroup and snooze for a it. After a call to the mighty Justin, he tells me where and he and Mrs. Justin got their couch, so I head over to American Signature.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present The Hawkeye.

I believe we have a winner, but I still don’t want to jump too soon. I head back home after a quick detour through the World Market. Another phone call to Justin, and I’m meeting him and his sister Lindsay down at IKEA. I look at the couches there, but nothing compares to the Hawkeye. Justin locates the shelves he needs, and we’re on our way after an aborted attempt to eat in the IKEA cafeteria.

To be continued…

Requiem

The Georgia Theater burned this past Friday. Chances are that if you read this site, you already know the place. If not, it was one of the biggest music venues in Athens. The 40 Watt gets the glory, but the Georgia Theater was a fantastic venue and it makes me incredibly sad to think what's happened to it.

I spent a lot of time in that room during my four years in Athens and did my fair share of legal and illegal drinking there, almost always Purple Haze. The shows I went to see and the time I spent with friends helped turn me into the music nerd I am. The bands go by in a flash--countless Dayroom shows, Dick Dale (once when I was a freshman, once when I was a senior--cyclical!), Mishap, Squat, Ben Folds Five, Fuzzy Sprouts, Jump Little Children, Deadeye Dick (fuck you, it was the 90's), Mel & the Party Hats, Strutter the KISS tribute band...it goes on.

They would show movies on nights they didn't have bands. That was where I first saw The Big Lebowski. I saw Chasing Amy, Swingers, and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas there again and again. I didn't know it then, but a lot of my outlook was being shaped in those moments. On game days, you could go there and watch if you didn't have tickets. Seeing the theater in the light of day was always a little unsettling. But then that 2nd beer took care of any reservations you had.

The girls always wanted to go to the late night dance parties there, so you would, because you did what the girls wanted. Doing my little shuffle dance, trying not to make too much of an ass out of myself. Looking across the room and realizing I'd gone to summer camp with the girl I'd just locked eyes with. Laughing my ass off with my friends. Attempting to say something clever to the fire-juggling merch girl for Jump. Stopping a friend from going through what would have been the biggest hook-up mistake of all time. New Years Eve and a friend deciding she wanted a piggy-back ride without telling me first. I've still got a scar on my lip from that.

I keep up with who's playing in Athens every week. I often think about getting over there for a show. Then I get a big deadline at work and I go to bed around 11, because I know I need to be on top of it the next day.

RIP. Rise again.

In your wildest dreams...

...you will never be this cool.

Another comic book joke...

Okay, I got a HUGE spike in pageviews from posting the Swamp Thing jokes. So, unsurprisingly, my main audience is comic book fans. Never let it be said I don't give the people what they want. Here, my right hand to god, is a conversation I had a couple of weeks ago:

Friend: "I don't know, man. I think that girl is more trouble than she's worth."
Me: "Oh, yeah?"
Friend: "Yeah. She's kind of a tornado."
Me: "So, when it's that time of the month, she's a Red Tornado?"*
Friend: "GOOD LORD."

It's not like I like me, either.

Actually, here's a question for you. I haven't really read a comic book in years. I pick up whatever Evan Dorkin puts out and I buy Peanuts and Popeye reprints, but that's about it. Any recommendations?

*Please see this link for an explanation if you, unlike me, had a life in high school.

Blast from the past

Nearly three years ago, my friend Justin and I wrote this batch of Swamp Thing jokes. Join me on this trip down memory lane, won't you?

1. Why does Swamp Thing never have any free time? Because he's always swamped.

2. Swamp Thing was sick recently. But he's vine now. He looked a little green earlier.

3. I used to not like Swamp Thing, but he grew on me.

4. There's a miniseries coming out about Swamp Thing's ancestors: Roots.

5. Man, Swamp Thing was so unpopular in high school. He was a real square root.

6. Swamp Thing wasn't terribly athletic, but he still made the baseball team. His position: pitcher's mound.

7. Swamp Thing's favorite sexual act? Tossing the salad.

8. Swamp Thing hates going shopping during the holidays. He can never find a place to bark.

9. Swamp Thing was held back a year in grade school. He was only at a second grade weeding level.

10. Swamp Thing is very accomplished in his career. He's a captain of industree all right.

11. Swamp Thing had kind of an embarassing incident as a teenager. His parents caught him weedwacking.

12. Swamp Thing's tough to be in a relationship for sure. His last girlfriend capped off their final argument with this kiss-off line: "Yeah, just go ahead and do what you do best. Leave."

13. Swamp Thing wanted to watch the whole movie, but he really had to pea.

14. Swamp Thing's teenage years were awkward for him. He'd go through these massive growth spurts. Dogs kept shitting in him.

15. Swamp Thing is a loyal friend. He always sticks by your side.

16. Swamp Thing had to go to the doctor the other day. He had a growth on his venus.

17. Swamp Thing is busy this weekend. His plant and uncle are in town.

Three documentaries

Three documentaries that are well worth your time:

1. Anvil! The Story of Anvil: A metal band that never hit the big time but never knew when to quit. Heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time. They played a short set afterward and put foot to ass.

2. Tyson: If you're around my age, Tyson was kind of an ultraviolent Mickey Mouse during your childhood. Then his whole life went to shit. This movie is an hour and a half tour through his sometimes frightening mind, and I highly recommend it if you came of age during that time or if you're a fight fan. Luckily, I'm both.

3. The Rough South of Larry Brown: Larry Brown is my favorite writer, and this is a look into the life of a talent taken from us all too soon and the woman who stood beside him, no matter how far inside his own world he went. Watching this gave me a serious kick in the ass.

Speaking of gone too soon, godspeed, Jay.