The Andy Williams Depression Special

“Hi, everyone. Welcome to another Andy Williams Depression Special. I’m so glad all of you could join us again this year. Well, those of you who didn’t kill yourselves since last year’s special. Those of you know who were friends with someone that did are probably even more depressed, and that’s what the spirit of Depression is all about isn’t it? Making ourselves miserable all year round, never allowing the light in.

“We’ve got a humdinger of a special for you this year. We’re gathered around a fire that will hopefully suffocate us all thanks to poor ventilation, and we have some great guests coming by. The Vienna Boys Choir will be singing some of those Depression carols we all love so much, Mary Anne Mobley will be stopping by to make some gingerdead men, and Kerri Strug, everybody’s angel from the 1996 Olympics, will be doing a gymnastics demonstration for some reason.

“Why don’t we get started by going to visit Mary Anne Mobley over in our special Depression kitchen? It features a gas stove and grey walls with peeling wallpaper. I can smell the ginger goodness from all the way over here. Mary Anne, as you may know, is a former Miss America and took over Dixie Carter’s role on the final season of Diff’rent Strokes when the show moved to ABC*.”

(Andy strolls into the kitchen.)

“Hello there, Mary Anne! It smells wonderful in---oh, my.”

(Mary Anne’s body swings gently to and fro from the overhead light fixture from which she’s hung herself.)

“Goddammit. We lost Shelley Long the same way last year. Okay! Let’s move on to check in with Kerri Strug, who’s going to jump around the room like a spastic monkey. We’ll just go over to the good ol’ Depression mat…Hi there, Kerri! How’ve you been? How’s life treated you since ’96? Ready to show us some of your famous moves?”

(Kerri is dressed in her same leotard from the Olympics, only it doesn’t fit so well now and has coffee stains on it. She looks sullenly at the camera for a moment. She looks at Andy. Then back at the camera. A tear rolls down her face. She does a series of backflips to the window and leaps to her doom.)

“We’re thirty fucking stories up---Jesus! Every year! Fine. Just cut to the damned Boys Choir.”

(Here we see a bunch of kids in choir robes, all with emo haircuts. They’re about as happy as you used to be when you had to wear choir robes. They begin to sing to the tune of “Jingle Bells.”)

Shoot myself

Shoot myself

In the fucking face

I just wanna shoot myself

And stop this endless pain.

(The kids all smoke. You can hear one in the background say he hates his father.)

“You know what? Fuck this. This is Andy Williams, and I just can’t take it anymore.”

(Andy douses himself in gasoline as we cut to closing credits.)

*Author’s note: Look how fucked up the opening credits were during the show’s final season. I have no memory of that, although the “Sam gets kidnapped” multi-parter is seared into my brain.