Blast from the past

Nearly three years ago, my friend Justin and I wrote this batch of Swamp Thing jokes. Join me on this trip down memory lane, won't you?

1. Why does Swamp Thing never have any free time? Because he's always swamped.

2. Swamp Thing was sick recently. But he's vine now. He looked a little green earlier.

3. I used to not like Swamp Thing, but he grew on me.

4. There's a miniseries coming out about Swamp Thing's ancestors: Roots.

5. Man, Swamp Thing was so unpopular in high school. He was a real square root.

6. Swamp Thing wasn't terribly athletic, but he still made the baseball team. His position: pitcher's mound.

7. Swamp Thing's favorite sexual act? Tossing the salad.

8. Swamp Thing hates going shopping during the holidays. He can never find a place to bark.

9. Swamp Thing was held back a year in grade school. He was only at a second grade weeding level.

10. Swamp Thing is very accomplished in his career. He's a captain of industree all right.

11. Swamp Thing had kind of an embarassing incident as a teenager. His parents caught him weedwacking.

12. Swamp Thing's tough to be in a relationship for sure. His last girlfriend capped off their final argument with this kiss-off line: "Yeah, just go ahead and do what you do best. Leave."

13. Swamp Thing wanted to watch the whole movie, but he really had to pea.

14. Swamp Thing's teenage years were awkward for him. He'd go through these massive growth spurts. Dogs kept shitting in him.

15. Swamp Thing is a loyal friend. He always sticks by your side.

16. Swamp Thing had to go to the doctor the other day. He had a growth on his venus.

17. Swamp Thing is busy this weekend. His plant and uncle are in town.

Three documentaries

Three documentaries that are well worth your time:

1. Anvil! The Story of Anvil: A metal band that never hit the big time but never knew when to quit. Heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time. They played a short set afterward and put foot to ass.

2. Tyson: If you're around my age, Tyson was kind of an ultraviolent Mickey Mouse during your childhood. Then his whole life went to shit. This movie is an hour and a half tour through his sometimes frightening mind, and I highly recommend it if you came of age during that time or if you're a fight fan. Luckily, I'm both.

3. The Rough South of Larry Brown: Larry Brown is my favorite writer, and this is a look into the life of a talent taken from us all too soon and the woman who stood beside him, no matter how far inside his own world he went. Watching this gave me a serious kick in the ass.

Speaking of gone too soon, godspeed, Jay.

Sorry about that.

Hey, a little radio silence never hurt anyone. Life's been busy/weird/good the last few weeks. So, here's an R.E.M. song that I think has never gotten its due. Listen to this. Then go listen to the new Wilco and Son Volt records. Then go outside for a bit. It's good for you.

I got the blues.

Not really. Feel fine, actually. But I went to Amazon's $5 sale dealie and bought this album by Black Joe Lewis and the Honeybears, and I highly recommend you do the same.

And just to clear up a question that's popped up a few times since last week: I'm not the guy who was the asshole to poor Candy*. I don't even know where that picture was taken. I just stumbled across it in my internerd journey. I hope she's enjoying a big dish of beef chow mein, wherever she is.


*In fact, I have a story of my total heroism towards a damsel in distress from a couple of weeks ago that I'll tell here when I have embellished the tale to my satisfaction.